From time to time, we at STH like to feature a hustler who is struggling with his/her game. This is Peejay's story:
Dear STH,
My name is Peejay and I cover fashion for blogs read by no one. I'm also the author of well known books such as Brunch with The Moffats and The Bible. I have a designer dog named Delta Bark and an apartment building occupied by major celebrities such as Al Sharpton's hair.
Sadly, I am about to join the ranks of the unemployed and homeless. I don't know what to do. People keep saying "Peejay, maybe you should get a job..." and I usually tell them, "Why don't YOU get a job, fuckface, and give ME the money. You selfish mongoloid."
They don't understand. I'm Peejay. I've had apple juice with The Moffats. I've combsat for Al Sharpton's hair's afropick . I'm an artist. Jobs are for regular people. I'm a divinity, motherfuckers.
Please send me money. I have not eaten in two days. Delta Bark is looking pretty tempting right about now. Please help. Please. Please. Please. Why waste your hard earned money on your own pathetic life when you can give it to me?
Peejay
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Oliver vs. The Artful Dodger
Oliver is hungry. Really hungry. The young ragamuffin is so hungry, in fact, that he ignores a cardinal rule of life in the orphanage: Enjoy what you got cause you ain't gettin' anymore! Oliver clutches his silver bowl and spoon in his wee hands and makes his way down the aisle of the dining hall. All orphan's eyes are upon Oliver and they can't decide if he's bold and brave or crazy and stupid. The young boy approaches the tyrannic Mr. Bumble and commits a huge foul when he asks:
"Please sir, may I have some more?"
"Whaaaaaaaaaat?"
Oliver spends the rest of the film running away from Mr. Bumble, acting the fool, dancing and singing and finally ending up with a rich old motherfucker who thinks he's the cutest little turd in Great Britain. You can argue that Oliver is a true hustler. He actively participates in cons and listens intently as Fagin teaches him how to "pick a pocket or two." Fucking Oliver. He has everyone fooled and he gets the last laugh when that wealthy old codger with cash to burn picks Oliver to be his living Madame Alexander doll. Precious!
Artful Dodger is way cooler than Oliver. He's a born hustler, shaking down limeys for their loot and thumbing his nose at authority. Oliver has but a fraction of AD's skills. Still, it is Oliver who ends up bagging the rich old fucker prize at the end of the film, begging the eternal question:
Who was the bigger hustler?
Answer: Mr. Bumble.
If I dressed up as General Cornwallis, imprisoned children and rebuked challenges to meager food portions with womanly, falsetto shrieking, I would be a youtube sensation for 15 minutes and prison bait for the next 40 to life.
Bumble, you the man.
"Please sir, may I have some more?"
"Whaaaaaaaaaat?"
Oliver spends the rest of the film running away from Mr. Bumble, acting the fool, dancing and singing and finally ending up with a rich old motherfucker who thinks he's the cutest little turd in Great Britain. You can argue that Oliver is a true hustler. He actively participates in cons and listens intently as Fagin teaches him how to "pick a pocket or two." Fucking Oliver. He has everyone fooled and he gets the last laugh when that wealthy old codger with cash to burn picks Oliver to be his living Madame Alexander doll. Precious!
Artful Dodger is way cooler than Oliver. He's a born hustler, shaking down limeys for their loot and thumbing his nose at authority. Oliver has but a fraction of AD's skills. Still, it is Oliver who ends up bagging the rich old fucker prize at the end of the film, begging the eternal question:
Who was the bigger hustler?
Answer: Mr. Bumble.
If I dressed up as General Cornwallis, imprisoned children and rebuked challenges to meager food portions with womanly, falsetto shrieking, I would be a youtube sensation for 15 minutes and prison bait for the next 40 to life.
Bumble, you the man.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Help save a hustler today
In these troubling economic times, we must do our best to lend a helping hand to all in need. Congress is bailing out the rich man, welfare is still there for the poor man, but do you know who is really suffering? The hustler. The recession is hitting this vital element of our economy with crippling force.
Hustling is an art form, and yet, unappreciated by many. The hustler is a self sufficient businessperson whose sacrifices keep police employed and courts busy. Without hustlers, the junk mail folder for your email would be empty. A world with no hustlers means that you will have to open the bank door by yourself. Do you wish to raise a family in such a world? By the way, your baby is beautiful.
Keep reading this blog as the staff at Save the Hustlers brings you the stories of the hardworking men and women who want to do nothing more than ply their trade and take the smooth and easy way out.
What can you do to help? At STH, we are very mistrusting of Paypal accounts and the tax implications that go along with having one. We prefer that you place a quantity of money (preferably large) in a brown bag and bring it to a secret location of our choosing.
Did I mention that you have a beautiful baby? I think he/she winked at me. Cutest little thing.
Hustling is an art form, and yet, unappreciated by many. The hustler is a self sufficient businessperson whose sacrifices keep police employed and courts busy. Without hustlers, the junk mail folder for your email would be empty. A world with no hustlers means that you will have to open the bank door by yourself. Do you wish to raise a family in such a world? By the way, your baby is beautiful.
Keep reading this blog as the staff at Save the Hustlers brings you the stories of the hardworking men and women who want to do nothing more than ply their trade and take the smooth and easy way out.
What can you do to help? At STH, we are very mistrusting of Paypal accounts and the tax implications that go along with having one. We prefer that you place a quantity of money (preferably large) in a brown bag and bring it to a secret location of our choosing.
Did I mention that you have a beautiful baby? I think he/she winked at me. Cutest little thing.
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